Most of my life has been spent in that blissful state where I imagine one true love coming around to sweep me away, sorta like Richard Gere and Debra Winger or Julia Roberts. Of course, when I was a mucn younger gal there seemed to be plenty of time for perfection to find me. As a teenager gone bad turned good again, I found that men make great friends. They love to talk to a girl if they're not trying to impress her because it helps them feel better about themselves. So they can go after the "cute/blonde?tan/dimpled Princess who knows how to play the GAME. Being the sap that I am, I fell in love with most of them because they paid attention to me and showed me who I was. Only a very few have given back to me in the same spirit with which I gave myself.
Thus appears problem number 1 with my approach to men.
Doormat....doormat.....doormat! Something in my little blonde head believes that If I listen to whining and say "I feel your pain" at just the right millisecond, this man will be mine forever through some kind of magical bondage. If only I'd been paid for all the therapy I've provided for men over the years, I'd be retiring now instead of working my ass off in a hospital at 49.
The drummer who walked 6 miles from town to see my 14 year old self....now THAT was love. My first sex partner was a given, in the love department. I was way too good and way too scared to risk that with somebody i didn't care about or trust. I married a "friend" and stayed that way for a long time before I realized that my devotion to being a doormat had kept me there more than love ever did. He didn't hurt me and is a nice guy. We just didn't love each other.
Problem number 2 is my lack of confidence in myself. The other day my Babygirl stood behind me at the mirror and looked at the two of us for the first time together in ages. She said "Mom, I hope I grow up to be as beautiful as you." For years she's been telling me that I'm beautiful and I never heard her until that moment. Right then and there I believed that if she thought I was beautiful that it would give her hope to always believe in herself. She thinks I'm beautiful when I'm tired or sick or pissed off, though sometimes it gets on her nerves. No man has ever called me beautiful. I've been told I'm pretty or "cute" or sexy.....but never beautiful. In my eyes, if I'm the love of a guy's life I'm beautiful warts and all. In fact the warts can even be "cute".
The myth is the 3rd problem. You know.....the myth that we only love one person truly and forever and ever amen. My experience has been that we fall in love about a jillion times over a lifetime. There's the one you want to marry when you're 3 and you play together all the time. Later, there's "mature" love that speaks of longing and dreams but gets caught in the realities of life. Sometime or another there's "escape" love(s) that help you to find a part of yourself that you could never be without knowing and loving that person. You know it can never work, but you love 'em anyway. There are complications and fences and "no-no-NOs" but your heart jumps in spite of the risks. These have been the most powerful and painful loves to let go of.
The pain begins when you realize that this "ONE" won't be THE one. Not the forever and ever one, anyway. Or......maybe they'll be forever and ever, but it won't be in the way you envisioned. Anyone who has ever lost a family member can tell you what it means to see a long lost love at a funeral or gravesite. Some things you just DO for folks that you love, even if you don't get to listen to 'em snore and wash their socks. Awwwwww...dang it!
My theory is this.....life is a series of "fallings in love" over and over again. Sometimes it's painful and occasionally it's for keeps. The marriage cerficate is a legal thing for establishing parentage and property boundaries and to give lawyers a good income. Real love...AKA True LoVe isn't bound by those legal things. It is spiritual and from God. I can love my beautiful Chocolate Lab and never feel a twinge of guilt about not being married or picking out china.
I love my friends in ways that give me the strength to do things I never thought I was brave enough to do. And it's all out of love for them.
The current ONE is a twosome actually. There's this guy I'm so crazy about that it scares me. It was one of those AHA moments when I looked at him and said " All of this time I looked at you and saw a smile and a nice person. And you're HOT too :) And that means love. The other part of that twolove is my dog, Faith. She's a 6 month old with all the spirit of that age and a loving nature. I've had lapdogs and yarddogs and watchdogs, but never one who showed me love like this one. The guy....well, I think he likes me. We'll see.